… Is it me or has April just disappeared?? Ok… Im sorry I haven’t posted for 5 weeks, I have no excuses, well I do, We are currently having half the house refurbished, including the kitchen and, I am sitting my English AS exam in jest 4 weeks, so I have been busy. Today, I will fill you in on the latest developments in my struggle. Dr Surgeon (that is not his real name) who previously had been the only member of the medical team I had the miss-pleasure of working with, to show any kind of remorse or guilt about the fact this had happened to me, and who actively, after a month of others hounding him, put in a few referrals to get additional opinions, however, at our latest in counter he put up his shield and coward behind it. Firstly, I was outraged by the fact he had not checked his inbox for any of the three letters he should have received, one from as late as a fortnight ago, which my family and other doctors had already received. He then went on to say he did not think that the professor he referred me to would find anything if he did a subsequent operation. Initially, his tone was one of defiance, as if by expecting the professors to find anything we will somehow undermining him and his authority. So, my father put the perfectly adequate question to him:
“If you don’t think the operation would find anything what do you think the problem is?” To which in the same town she added I don’t know and that he thought there was something else going on other than the simple stretch sciatic nerve diagnosis, given the length of time that had passed without much progress, but he added in a tone which made the fire of discussed burn brighter within me:
“I don’t know what it is… But it’s not orthopaedic.” I mean come on! How are wages is that! Initially he disputes, almost instantly, the opinion of the professor he referred me to! But then did not give any suggestions of his own, but more than that, he said this statement to indicate that I was no longer he’s problem! Even though he caused the problem in the first place, he has now lost all the’ brownie points’ I had previously awarded him; he’s out wages lack of interest, and his haste to add this as if he was desperate to get rid of me! I was so angry I couldn’t say anything because I would not have been able to keep my lexis at PG level. But that wasn’t the worst of it! When my father and I continue saying that this has gone on for nine months without progressing, and that the professor had promised to get back to school before September, but that currently, there was little to no chance of that happening. And given everything you have said so far, he decided to add
“Well some optimism wouldn’t go amiss.” (In my head) I screamed
“Well FFS how do you expect me to be optimistic when you instantly dispute the opinion of the referral you organise con and then don’t follow up on it, to then tell me! That I need to be optimistic; well I’m sorry, you and I clearly have different ideas of what is required for optimism to grow.” (P.S If anyone reading that dose not know what FFS stands for, don’t ask.) But I feel my internal outburst was justified. The NHS has, no offence to anyone, quick call me, turned my life upside down and filled it with pain for the last nine months, and is doing nothing to try and make amends. If I were a doctor and caused a problem anything like as bad as this I will put my heart and soul into fixing it; and if then I found I could do nothing anyway I would at least feel like I had tried to make amends. Unlike my friend Dr surgeon who simply sat back and explained it wasn’t orthopaedic without any evidence at all except my symptoms! He makes me sick and if he dares speak to me in that manner again I will probably end up in a jail cell for 20 years to life. Not that that would be any worse than my current situation.
In other news, I am writing a new novel, it is centred around vampires and immortality, but I have spent months devising a reason why vampires and immortal humans beings could exist, and I have now a plausible solution. It is in the teen genre and it does contain one instance of strong language, and some graphic imagery. It is currently very low quality as I am simply writing the “blueprint” which I will later improve on, but for anyone who is interested I am thinking of starting a second blog: where idle showcase my work; I have been writing works of fiction for nearly 8 years now. I would however, like to know what, if any plagiarism laws are in place on WordPress or other blogs like it. I wouldn’t think anyone reading this would do such a thing, but it is far better to be safe than sorry. If you are interested in reading what I have written please like this post and if I get enough, by which I mean about 10, I will start the new blog. Also, I have now got my first “inform” clear on fever 13! Woop Woop. And finally, I would just like to say that lately it has become increasingly difficult to fight off the, what time call, depression spikes, so only lasting minutes sunglass thing most of the day. If it was not for video games I don’t know whether I would be writing this, and I know that sounds trivial but, when you are in constant pain and unable to see your friends the escapism provided by them is vital to hanging on. And I have one piece of advice for anyone feeling the same or a similar way to me. Something you probably won’t hear elsewhere.
It is okay to feel that way! You can’t always look for a silver lining, because sometimes there isn’t one. And looking for something that isn’t there in the first place can just leave you feeling further adrift. Instead focus on what you have. For me this is video games and the support of my family. I’m not good at being positive in times of hardship because I know that when doctors say things like “some optimism wouldn’t go amiss” they have no idea what you’re going through. I can remember when I cried myself to sleep for seven days solid and my total amount of sleep in that time was no more than four hours. Also progress has been painfully slow and if it’s taught me one thing it is definitely not what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, it is this, find something that you can clean on to whether that’s a boy or girl friend or other family member, or any other recreational activity and use that as a silver lining! In times like these you can’t look a silver lining, you have to create your own. Only by doing that can you survive. Hopefully that will help someone reading this, because if I’ve done that I’ve done what I set out to.
Thank you for reading this, and I promised my next post won’t be in a months time :-)